Only Time Will Tell

It's been two weeks since my last post. Two counseling sessions for me and my husband. They've been two emotional weeks. But they've also been two insightful weeks. I think we're both getting something out of this, and want to continue. For me, it helps having someone to talk to. Someone totally unbiased that can provide insights into my feelings whether they are critical or supportive. Someone that can "see" our individual points of view while helping us to each understand the other. Above all she reaffirms to us that our situation is not unusual and we can be "helped". It feels almost like after 11 years of marriage we've lost our way a little bit and she's helping us try to find our way back to each other.

Our lives have been in such an upheaval for the last 6 months or so, that it feels like a little bit of the weight and stress has been taken off our shoulders by just finding someone to talk to. Yes, you say, but you have this blog and you both have friends and family. But it's different to go and just talk to someone for an hour - no judgements, no sides being taken - and get critical feedback about your situation. There have actually been a few nights that I slept without waking up and having a staring contest with my bedside clock.

We've started to make some positive changes. When we talk to each other, we aren't being as sarcastic as we have been. We're being "nicer" in our tones of voice. We're both trying to be more patient with each other. For my husband's part, he's trying to not be such a slave to his business - taking some time to really enjoy being home with me and the kids and doing things with us/them. This past Monday was actually a day off from school for our 8 yr old son and my husband ended up not having to work either. The four of us snuggled up in our bed after lunch to watch a movie and ended up all dozing off. Those are things that mean a lot to me and to the kids. It was a great day.

We decided this week to utilize a spare room we have as a guest room and have our friend move into it so that our 2 year old daughter can move out of our room. (Long story and fodder for another post.) Having our own space again is essential to trying to get our marriage back on track on so many levels. These are small steps but at least they are steps, and I am so glad we are making them together.

The big question is, Will all this work? Will we be able to find our way back to each other? Will we be able to continue on as a family? Only time will tell . . . but I think we're off to a good start.

Getting Personal

When you marry someone you plan on spending the rest of your lives together. You sign up for a partnership. You’re each expected to help the other and support each other, not just financially speaking, but emotionally and morally. When you come to a decision to start a family, you think that it will be 2 of you raising the kids – feeding, bathing, reading, carpooling, and caring for them when they’re sick. For a long time now, I’ve been feeling like I’m a single parent. I do 99% of the carpooling, reading, feeding, bathing, and caring for my kids. My husband feels that since he is the sole bread winner for the family that is his contribution to our marriage, our family. That being the sole bread winner excuses him from any other responsibilities or obligations to me or our kids. Every birthday, anniversary or special occasion that goes unacknowledged is because he’s too busy with work. And it doesn’t bother him because he claims he wasn’t raised to acknowledge those special events/days in life. My birthday came and went without so much as a “Happy Birthday” being uttered. And now, his birthday is coming up and his parents fully expect me to have a dinner/birthday cake for him. He and our son’s birthdays are just a few days apart so traditionally I do get a cake for both of them. Well, guess what folks, not this year. It may sound petty and trite, but, you know what, I’m done. I spent 4 days in the hospital with our 2 year old daughter, got out 2 days before my own birthday, and I couldn’t even get a “Happy Birthday” out of him. And when I asked him about it, his defense was that I don’t spend enough attention to him and his needs so he didn’t feel like acknowledging my birthday. I got the same response when Valentine’s Day came along. I, at least, made an effort and got him a card and some nice chocolate (he LOVES chocolate), and what did I get – NADA, NOTHING, ZILCH, THE BIG GOOSE EGG. Well, I’m spending too busy taking care of the house, doing the laundry, making the meals, cleaning up the messes, driving the kids around, paying the bills, making the beds, cleaning the dishes, feeding the cat, emptying the garbage, doing the grocery shopping, trying to drum up new freelance work and taking care of the existing client I do have, helping him out with his business paperwork, driving our friend to rehab and any other doctors’ appointments or places he needs to go. This time I’m too busy to acknowledge his birthday. So for the first time in our history together I am not getting my husband a birthday cake or even a card.
Is this the beginning of the end? I don’t know. We’re both willing to try to work on our marriage and seek counseling, and we have our first session Tuesday night. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid because there is a small part of me just doesn't care anymore. I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out. I know I'm not perfect and I have my faults. I've tried not to be a demanding wife. But I don't think it's too much to expect for my husband and the father of my children to actually want to be part of our lives, to be an active participant. I haven't felt that way in a while. Even my 8 year old son feels this way. When my husband announced that he had to work today instead of helping me and going with me to chaperon our son's birthday party, I ask L if he was upset that daddy wasn't coming. His response was "Not really. He'd just yell anyway." That kind of says it all. When my husband does make the time to be an active participant in our lives, most of the time he's not happy about it or enjoying himself. If this was happening just once in a while, I'd understand - we all have days like that. But with my husband it happens a majority of the time.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I just know that something has to change - one way or another.

I'm Back

Be prepared! Has it really been a year since I last used by Blogger account. Well, I tried converting to Wordpress and I just didn't like it as much as I thought I would. So I'm back. Be prepared for some changes, including possibly a new name.

I'm Moving

Today will be my last post on blogger.com. I've moved over to Wordpress so check me out there at http://ofcheeriosandconferencecalls.wordpress.com/

Seven Years Ago

Seven years ago tonight at 8:12 p.m. you were born. Seven years of laughter, joy, tears and mischief. My how you've grown, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I love you, my "baby" boy. I love you with all my heart and soul. I fell in love with you before you even graced me with your presence. No matter where life may lead you, know this - I will always and forever love you. Happy Birthday, Bug!

Sunday Funny

Catching Up

Has it really been this long since I've done a post? Where has the time gone? Oh well, what's done is done. I know of been busy that's for sure. Between the family, work, new job and, well, just life the days seem to be flying by. This is so evident to me every time I sit back and watch my kids. I'm amazed at how mature (most of the time) Bug is getting, and how quickly Buddha is growing. It's all happening before my eyes. Today I was reminded that a "little girl" I once knew is graduating high school in a few short months and turning 18. When the heck did that happen!
Well instead of lingering on the "where did the time go" mod of thought, I'm trying to focus on the wonder of it all. Watching my kids grow and mature. Taking on new tasks and challenges - sometimes failing (or falling as the case may be) and sometimes achieving. Watching the joy and amazement in their eyes, and sometimes drying the tears from disappointment. Hearing them laugh and giggle at each other and themselves, and, yes, even hearing them fight (at least initially) brings me joy.